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Here’s my opinion on emotions: I love them as they make me human, but sometimes there are days where I wanted them to leave me alone.
Growing up, I only knew happiness and anger, and I had trouble with my other emotions. People who knew me would always tell me that I was too sensitive, or that I would wear my heart on my sleeve I accepted their opinions because I didn’t want them to run away from me and be alone. However, the more I suppressed my emotions, the worse I got. I was a ticking time bomb that would explode every time someone touched me, and it affected my life every day.
Since I didn’t know how to control emotions, I went to different therapists to figure out what was wrong with me, why I am the way I am, and what are possible solutions for me to help control my emotions. After therapist #4, I gave up on therapy because I felt that none of the sessions work. Then I went to my doctor, and when I told him what I was going through, he prescribed me anti-depressant. Long story short, it didn’t go too well, nor did it last too long.
3 years later, I was decluttering my room because I felt suffocated. The moment I came across old documents, I found my doctor’s visit receipt. Under the diagnosis, I found out why he prescribed me anti-depressant: he diagnosed me with Anxiety (with Vitamin D deficiency as an addition). I even did my research and I learned why I couldn’t control my emotions. Decluttering was the best thing I ever did, as I found so much in the pile of mess.
As I was cleaning, I thought to myself, “Finally! I knew something was wrong with me.” However, I also thought about all the therapists that I went to for help. The reason for the “failed sessions” wasn’t because they couldn’t help me, it was because I wasn’t asking the right questions nor was I honest with myself. It’s all in the past now, so I’m moving forward. After doing research, I came across an idea about giving intrusive thoughts identities from a licensed therapist. But in this case, it would be my emotions.
Ever since then, I decided to experiment on it. I tried journaling, while recording my sleeping habits, but I wasn’t on top of the task as I stopped in February. Then, I drew emojis, flowers, and doodled stationary with different colors to identify my emotions, but it didn’t feel genuine enough, or honest. Afterwards, I decided to look up zodiacs and planets. Then I thought, how about I use planets as my emotions? So, I started to match the planets with my emotions based on how I see them, for what they look like, their size and names, and how I feel about them. For example: Venus would be happiness, Mars would be anger, Saturn would surprise (I find Saturn surprising to me), Pluto as sadness, and so on. There’s more, but it’ll be too long.
As I started this method, I soon acknowledged what so many people have told me: I’m over dramatic, too emotional, and overly sensitive, then I slowly started to accept it. After accepting it, I had to ask myself, what do I do? The answer is this: love them as they are and use them for the arts. That’s where I belong, and that’s where I know my emotions are needed. I don’t need to control my emotions, I needed to acknowledge them, accept them, and embrace them. After all, they are mine and I learn to be more honest with them. And for the people who couldn’t accept me for who I am, that’s okay. I’m grateful for their honesty with me, but I also learned that they were never meant to stay in my life. Eventually, I found really good people in my life that I can call my friends, even though they live on the other side of the world. They understand me, they accept me, and they love me for who I am as I love them for who they are.
It may be eccentric to outsiders when I say things like, “Oh, I’m on Venus now, and I’m loving it!” or “what is this blackhole? No, not here.” That’s okay because this is what helps me with my anxiety and my emotions. If people choose to want to know more, I’ll be more than happy to show them my method. If not, like I said it’s okay. The method is just a way for me to manage to my emotions.
Remember, we are all different from each other, so our methods may not work for everyone, and that’s okay. The more we acknowledge our emotions, the easier it will be to align with them, and our paths become clear as we move forward.
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