Hello coffee lovers and avid readers! Welcome to Olive’s Corner and at Olive’s Café, where you get insights on thoughts of life.
While I wrote the first part of Coming to Terms, I’ve shed a lot of tears just as memories were flooding back to me. I couldn’t help but think that I’ve changed in some ways, while other ways have remained the same. I wanted to change everything in the past and make things right, but I would also mean not meeting the people important to me. After all, even the rain has its rainbows.
As time passed, I wanted to figure out what was wrong with me so desperately. I’ve talked to four therapists, taken medication, and even converted to Christianity, but the entire time I’ve been going in circles with no escape. I was very inconsistent with therapy and the medication, especially when I realized later that it was because I was not asking the right questions to help me figure it out. When I converted to Christianity, it was during a period where I thought everything was coming together, but instead everything was falling apart/ I truly thought Christianity was going to help me fix myself, but I felt more miserable being a Christian than when I wasn’t.
I was afraid to leave because I didn’t want people to judge me, and it was bad enough that I was fighting my intrusive thoughts. It wasn’t until earlier this year that I couldn’t be Christian anymore. Even when I had great relationships with the people within that religion, I still felt alone no matter if I was with them or not. I just needed to fight my own battles and win once and for all.
Eventually, I realized that the one thing that truly helped me and made things easier to breathe was decluttering my room. I got rid of a lot of things in my room that I didn’t need, even things that were super old. Just as I declutter my room, I discovered a sheet of paper, and I had an epiphany: my doctor’s receipt had the answers the entire time, but I never bothered to thoroughly looked at it. As it turned out, I was diagnosed with Anxiety and Vitamin D deficiency. It was that day when I decluttered my room that I understood what I needed to do.
Ever since I found the doctor’s receipt, I saw an opportunity to change everything in my life: I started to prioritize, raise my standards, and add things in my life. The easiest thing for me was to leave Christianity and raise the rent in my life for my intrusive thoughts to move out, since screaming and fighting never worked. Although it’s taking time to change, I’m starting to see that I’m happier than I was before.
The two things centered in my life right now are Arts and Humanities because I always knew they contributed to my happiness and provided an escape for me when I feel trapped. They loosen the grip of my anxiety whenever I’m writing, reading, or even do art projects. It’s the lifestyle that I want in my life, and I have it everywhere. It may not make me the richest woman in the world, but I feel like I’m close to being wealthy in eternal joy.
What still gnaws at me is my behavior and attitude. I can’t even excuse it with lack of meals because it’s something I need to control regardless, and I’m so afraid of losing people my life that I would apologize for my attitude and behavior. It had gotten to a point where I would disappear again, but I can’t do that anymore. I must hold myself accountable for my own emotions.
Then, I am at a point in my life where I can’t keep pleasing people and that was a problem. Once I knew that I don’t have to please people, I can have more time to focus and love myself. Of course, if I get triggered, it’s something I’m responsible for, so I must control it, but I can’t keep being concerned with everyone’s feelings. The one thing I constantly do is punish and criticize myself, and I would always think the worst-case scenario. As I reflect on myself with taking myself away from social media, and returning to reading personal development books, I needed to love myself, appreciate my strengths, and acknowledge my weakness without punishing myself.
For the people who were there for me, hugged me, and accepted me for who I am, thank you for everything. It may not be much to you, but it truly is everything to me. I always hoped for someone to hug me, made me feel like I belonged, and when my hopes came true, it felt nice to me. Thank you for the advice, for building me up, taking my hand, and for listening to me. I promise that I will continue to work on myself and to accomplish my dreams, not just for me, but also for you. My work is because of you, and you help bring out the best in me as I acknowledge the worst in me.
I also like to thank the people who called me all kinds of names, made me feel guilty, and told me I’m overly sensitive and overdramatic. I’ve come to accept them as it tells me that I care and that I’m human. It also shows that not everyone will like me, and that’s okay. I’m not meant for everyone in the world. No, I won’t apologize for disappointing you because I’m not what you expected. I am who I am, whether you like it or not.
It may seem odd that I’m thanking these people, but I would rather thank them than blaming others and myself. I went through the dark times, yet I found the brightest starts from people with the warmest arms, whether they shared their compassion or their judgements. I’m still working on myself, but I finally understand what I need to do and keep moving. I have the time to explore everything in my life, and as I transition into 30, I celebrate the good memories as I heal the emotional scars. I learned to never apologize for who I am, what I say (unless it hurts someone’s feelings), and what I do (unless I broke something). I’m an ordinary human being who’s meant to do extraordinary things, and I don’t need anyone’s permission to do them.
As I come to accept my past and appreciate what I have and what I can do in the present, I anticipate what my future holds, and I can’t wait for what comes next. All I must do is keep looking within and add love.
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