Hello coffee lovers and avid readers! Welcome to Olive’s Library at Olive’s Café, where you can read the stories of adventurous characters as they explore life.
Here’s a story of a breakup between a woman who has no more love to give and a man who still wants a chance.
The hot chocolate tastes delicious, and the ambiance right now feels perfect with the candles lit and dim and soft music playing in the background while I read my book. Well, I’m trying to read but my mind is completely distracted by what I need to do. I really don’t want to do it, but if I keep on with it, it wouldn’t be fair for him.
I put my book down next to me and turn off the music; I can’t even focus with the music, especially with so much pressure lingering in my chest. My heart pumps on overtime, stressing itself out because of the fear and guilt over a decision I have yet to make. I wanted it to last, and I even thought about our future together. But it’s been dark for me for months now and I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to stay around when there’s nothing there for us.
I really can’t think about this right now. I need to do something else.
I turn on the television and channel through the stations to find something to watch. Something to distract me from the mess that’s on my mind. When I land on Cartoon Network, I put the remote down and move around to get comfortable. I chuckle at the cartoons as they run and chase each other around, but it’s not enough to distract me.
Is it guilt? Fear? Whatever it is, it’s warning me that if I don’t do this, it will never go away.
I feel something buzzing next to me, making me look down and see my phone going off. I sigh in distress as I see the caller ID.
I roll my eyes and close them as I take deep breaths. Trying so hard not to cry. I blink them open and grab my phone as I take a deep breath. I press the answer button and place it on my ear as I say, “Hi Alex.”
“Hey Daisy, how are you?” He asks, and I can hear the smile on his face through the phone.
Shit. I can’t today.
“Um, I’m okay,” I tell him, trying to sound stable.
Suddenly, I can hear a frown through the phone. Can he tell?
“Everything okay? You sound different,” he says.
I feel different. “I’m fine. Tired,” I tell him. It may seem like I’m lying, but this stress is wearing me out.
“Well, can I come over? I want to see you before you go to bed,” Alex asks, his voice soft.
Honestly, I want to tell him no, but there’s this one thing I need to do and if I don’t do it, who knows when I will.
Took me long enough to decide and I’m hanging on by a thread.
I take another deep breath, and I tell him, “Yeah, come over.”
“Okay, I’ll be there in 5 minutes,” he says, and we hang up together.
It’s now or never.
I sit and watch the cartoon, waiting as time passes. I can hear my heart beating faster, draining out the sound as every second passes, my blood rushing through my veins and raising goosebumps on my arms. I’ve done this before with other partners, but why does this one seems so hard?
Maybe because of the amount time and the energy we’ve invested together?
I don’t know anymore.
When I look at the time, I grab my phone and get up from the couch as my heart continues to beat fast. I put on my slippers and then walk towards the door to grab the keys before walking out. I take the stairs down to the lobby area instead of the elevator to keep myself busy from thinking about what I need to do. Once I get there, I stop and look outside through the glass doors, my heart racing and blocking the noise from outside. I take deep breaths, attempting to calming my heartbeat down before walking outside to Alex’s car. Even though I’m walking in a steady pace, taking my time, everything around me feels like they’re moving in slow motion.
I don’t know if I can do this. But I have to.
I need to.
Once I reach his car, I gently knock on the window to get his attention and he looks up at me, smiling.
I only give him a half effort of a smile and open the door to get in. I sit in the passenger seat and turn to him as I greet, “Hey.”
“Hey,” he greets back, still smiling at me.
This is killing me.
“So, how’s everything? We haven’t seen each other for a week,” Alex points out.
“I know,” I tell him, but I don’t know if I’m ready to do this or not.
He looks at me as if he’s expecting more and asks, “Well, what’s with the short answers? Is something wrong?”
I take another deep breath and stare at him for a moment before I say, “Um, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.”
He frowns. “Is it something I did?”
I shake my head as I say, “Trust me, you’re not at fault. It’s just that… things have been rough for me for the past 2 months.”
“What is it?” Alex asks, his tone now sounding desperate.
I can even feel the desperation.
“Um… I don’t think this is going to work anymore,” I tell him, now my heart in a panic.
Alex freezes as everything around his car keeps moving. Then, he slumps in his seat and looks away from me and it makes me look away from him, looking down on my hands. We stay in our seats for what feels like forever, frozen in place and the sound blocked out by our heartbeats.
“I didn’t give you what you wanted,” he whispers to me, “right?”
I look at him, guilt rushing through my skin as he calls me out of what I wanted to tell him. It’s true; I’m breaking up this relationship because I wanted something different, something more. But I didn’t tell him early on, so I didn’t expect him to know.
I nod as I respond, “Yes.”
Alex lowers his head as he sighs. “So, it is my fault.”
“Alex, no, it’s not your fault. It’s just that I didn’t say anything before. You did everything you could, but I just wanted more,” I say, feeling guilty and afraid.
The car got quiet for what feels like 3 minutes. I look away from him as the temperature drop lower than the 38-degree weather outside. As I sit there, frozen, I think about what’s on his mind. I mean, it’s true; he’s not at fault here. He’s a great guy, but I just don’t feel anything anymore.
After what feels like a long time, he starts to speak again. “What is it that you wanted?”
Oh, God, not that question…
“Um…I wanted something more. Excitement, fun, thrill, and just… maybe some romance,” I tell him, my nerves making me fiddle with my fingers.
“So, I’m not romantic?” he asks, looking at me with glistening eyes. He looks like he’s about to cry.
I feel bad, now, but I can’t stay for too long.
“Alex, honestly, sitting on the couch all night to watch reality TV isn’t what I call romantic,” I point out, remembering last month when he invited me over and all we did was watch Real Housewives and Jersey Shore. Every. Weekend.
I wanted to leave during the ads, but I didn’t want to be rude.
“So, what is romantic?” he asks, and I almost broke my neck as I look at him. He cannot be serious.
“Well, I mean… we don’t have to spend money. Romantic meaning dinner at home and then watching a movie, a picnic at the park especially since you live across the street from one,” I tell him, “I mean, that’s what you said you enjoyed doing with your last relationship.”
“Oh that? That’s romantic?” he asks.
Oh, he’s serious.
“Yeah,” I tell him.
“Oh… Well, the last time I did those things, my last girlfriend broke up with me. She told me that I was boring, so I never did those things again,” he confesses.
“Well, now you know to do those things with your next girlfriend. And on occasion, go somewhere nice with her,” I tell him, reassuring that he has a chance with someone new. Someone who’s not me or his ex-girlfriend.
“Why not with you? Why do we have to break up?” he asks, almost begging.
“Because I don’t have the feelings for you anymore,” I say, my tone almost irritated.
“But I love you,” he says, loudly, “you know that. I loved you for a long time.”
I look away, letting out a frustrated sigh. I know he had said this to me for a month now. But every time he says that, I don’t feel that it’s even genuine. It just sounds like he’s trying to keep me from leaving.
I turn halfway to him and look at him as I ask, “Do you love me?”
“Of course, I do!” Alex says, and I can see that he’s stressing out.
I sigh once more before I say, “Hm, I don’t know why… but it just doesn’t feel like anything. It doesn’t… feel right.“
The car falls silent again, and he takes himself away from me to think some more as he looks away from me. I stay frozen, anticipating his next move and prepare myself for what comes next. When he looks at me again, he asks, “Do you love me?”
I pause, thinking of the last time I told him I loved him. And I can’t even remember ever saying anything. Honestly, I like him as a human being, but as someone I would like to spend the rest of my life with is very unlikely.
“No,” I tell him, my voice serious and grounded.
Almost instantly, I can hear his heart freefall from his chest as he hears that word. He looks away from me again, his hand dropping to his lap and his shoulders slumping. Looking at him makes me feel guilty, but it had to be done. Even if I did had dinner at home or the picnic at the park, what he had is not what I wanted and what I wanted, he didn’t have. I can’t stay here any longer, the car is getting too cold.
“Listen,” I begin to tell him, “All I hope for you is to find someone that will love you, enjoy watching reality TV with you, and be someone you want to be with. You deserve someone who will love you. I’m just not the one.”
He looks at me, his eyes glooming as if he was given a final notice. Silently, he nods his head and says, “I hope you find someone for you, too, Daisy.”
For the first time today, I smile at him as I say, “Thank you. That’s very kind of you, Alex.” He nods as he looks away for the final time.
Now it’s the time for us to leave for good.
“Well, I have to go. I have work in the morning. Good luck with everything,” I tell him. I wait a moment for him to have a chance to say something. He nods again, not giving me any response. When I tell him good-bye, I get out of his car and turn to walk away, going inside the lobby. I don’t bother turning back as I walk up to the elevator. I take a deep breath and sigh, the energy now lifting itself off me. I now feel relieved, and my heart calms to a normal pace again. Although I wanted something more thrilling and thriving in the relationship, I can now have the chance to give myself clarity of what I really need for myself and any new relationship into which I may get.
After getting to my apartment, I turn everything off and lock the doors before going to my bedroom, now feeling happy and calm that I can finally go to sleep in peace without having to worry about ending any commitment where there’s no growth.
I can just finally sleep…
How was your break-up with a partner? Did they break up with you or did you break up with them? What were your feelings about the break up?
Thank you for tuning in on Olive’s Library at Olive’s Cafe!